Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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