Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
