so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
