I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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