My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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