omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Even the bartender felt bad for me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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