come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
