i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
