I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
