my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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