you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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