dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
