Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
