there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
