I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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