Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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