I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
