I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
