thus making me awesome and them whores
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
