last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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