Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
