Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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