All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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