Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
