I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
