M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
