Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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