i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
