I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
