I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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