sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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