Your face is a jimmy john
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
