How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I could make wine with my vomit
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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