If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
