Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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