In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
