you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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