I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
