i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
