that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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