Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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