what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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