When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
