I wannas sexs uuuuu
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
