No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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