I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
