I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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