i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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