In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
