I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
