My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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