I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
